Thoughts from the chair

Letting go too fast

I've written before how much these dark and quiet times mean to me. How much they've changed me; how they were meant to. I'm writing this from that chair, my boy rocking back and forth again. I remember the day we bought this chair and the story behind it. I remember all the time (and money) we spent at Buy Buy Baby (thank goodness we didn’t succumb to the bizarre pressure to get The Chair from Pottery Barn Kids. That cost 4x the one I’m rocking on and this one is way better. I will use mine to watch football in a few more years and my boys who spent over a G on theirs will not. ‘nuff said) I remember so well the wonderful overwhelming whirlwind of your firstborn. Everything changed, so much new!

All of these nighttime routines and special little gems originated with her. Daddy's Little Girl. As a toddler, I would sit beside her at night and scratch her back… just as my loving mother did to me. Paying it forward. I stroked her hair sometimes and would almost always let her fall asleep blanketed in my love. Her fifth year of life was one of massive change for her. New home, new community, new school (real school day!), and a new addition to the family. She went from the center of the universe to one of two. I still harbor a lot of emotion about that era. I know it was hard for her - it is for all the firsts, isn't it? I rewind and wonder if I could have done more to soften that blow. It’s easy to play MMQB, but it is one of very few things I analyze in that vein, one of regret. I've worked so hard to be their dream dad. But this isn't the energy I came here to share…

I forget how exactly it happened, but around the time she started really developing independence (sidecar with brother coming into the space more and more) she one night told me I didn't need to sit with her. She was good; she said it kind of cocky, which I liked. This is how kids grow, they push out and test. No problem, I said, and didn't think much of it. But it tandemed with the brother perfectly and I just began always sitting with him instead. Without even realizing it, my precious nighttime moments with my angel were over.

Once again I'm not sure how it happened, but one night almost a year later she asked if I would lay with her for a minute when I had done our now-usual walk-up and tuck-in. Of course, my love. Thinking back, there may have been a reason, like nasty storms and tornado alert or lots of lightning. She did her routine and got rolled over on her side facing her stuffies, as she always does. So I did mine, and began scratching her back and slowly rubbing the side of her hair. She didn't know it, but I was in bliss! I had missed that so much, but these are the counterproductive emotions that as a father you have to try and hold back at times. You have to let them grow. One day the little birdie must fly on its own. But she was still far from that; in fact, she was sucking her thumb like she has to soothe since she was a baby. I just smiled and stared at that beautiful face. I kid you not, as I'm processing this all, she softly blurts out “I missed this” in the most content tone I've ever heard. In a weird way, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It's probably this emotion I was feeling. Yeah, that’s exactly the emotion I was feeling.

And so I returned the next night, and the next, and the one after that. I've laid with her every night since - well, we have a rotation, but you get my point. Just yesterday, I was stroking her hair again and looking down at that human wonder, now a year older, about to begin middle-school, and as hard as it is for me to process, she’s looking more like a little lady than my little girl. 🥹 But she still sucks her thumb. She needs her daddy; still wanted me to blanket her with love at night like I've done so many times before. She's never asked to go to bed alone again. She always ensures it's me or mom and particularly sways it my way these days I’ve noticed. I now do the same as I feel I put in time with my boy.

I'm not entirely sure what the lesson is here, but I think I get it. She asked to be left alone that night because it felt cool and she wanted to show she was growing up. It was a stage thing. But those sheets weren't cool, they proved cold. I wonder if she realized she missed it well before that storm night and comment twelve months later. I have to think so. I wonder if she just felt committed at that point though. Do I go back? What am I, a baby? Maybe there isn't a lesson here but more a microcosm. We'll do this dance again, she'll push away again, she may even find herself alone, lost, and pot committed again, only this time with much greater consequences. THAT'S what I took from it. This is our role as parents, our #1 job. To pull off the Olympic-caliber performance of giving your kids enough rope they can develop, but somehow knowing when they've pulled away too far. Be there for them, but do so without smothering them. Good luck!

I don't know when she'll ask me to leave her alone at night again, but the time will surely come. I can picture the ultimate finish line. Teenager’s room, wall covered in posters and stuff, clothes and make-up and more stuff all strewn around, smells and pretty things, very little place for dad in that room. Man, I better wrap this up before I make myself start leaking!