"We should tend to our children like we tend to a garden, offering support & nourishment & letting them take whatever shape they'll take. We're not building chairs."
A stream of wonderful parenting advice
I’m unfamiliar with Dorsa, but just randomly came across this thread. It is wonderful! Layers of fantastic advice for new or future parents here, much that cuts against the modern grain. This thread is a treasure trove…
Even before I had my own, I was struck by how many of my peers and those one rung above me had taken such a friend-style role in parenting. Such a ‘spoil and over-protect your kids'-role, if we're being candid. The impacts of that are all around us now. It’s like a spectrum: on one side is the over-strict and cold parent, on the other edge is the friend-parent. Both extremes are disadvantageous for your child. As is often the case in life, the sweet-spot is in the middle. But man, have we lurched one way! It's surreal how many parents either spoil or over-coddle their kids now. Parent/child boundaries have changed so profoundly. You see that impact all around us too. And so I'd add these to Dorsa's list…
Be a parent, not a friend. These are very different functions. Your child will have many friends, but they’ll only have two parents. It is a unique role and it’s meant to be. It's not designed to be all fun and peaches and cream; it starts out with wiping poop. But all that tending, all that holding, yes even those moments of discipline and instilling structure, serve to build that unique bond. It is the foundation from which your special bond is constructed and gets its tremendous influence. So many parents fail to understand this, and in turn they fail their kids. You see this profoundly in many single moms who try and make their boys son-husbands. It’s so stunting for the child.
Structure. Human beings (like most mammals) desire structure, and children yearn for it. The new pup not only needs to know its place in the pack, it wants this understanding. Only then can it determine where it is to walk when the pack roams. This isn't analysis unique to lions. Discipline and frameworks of respect are vital in a household. That doesn't mean strictness or coldness - as detractors will always paint. The alpha male uses aggression to establish the hierarchy, but out of necessity and benefit to the whole pack, not aggression for aggression's sake. Those detractors are almost always projecting their own “daddy issues”. They weren’t loved right, so they think only massive child freedom (i.e. inversion of what they know) can equate to that. They’re wrong; they’re damaged. When you build these layers from infancy, they don’t take on a negative tone. My son and I in particular have grown so incredibly close through our process of building understanding of rules and behaviors, establishing this framework of respect and hierarchy of authority. That has to be absolute in a household, or it will all eventually fall apart. But I’ve never used more than timeouts, even with my quite-intense son. Timeouts and talks. Lots and lots of talks. I make them walk through fact-patterns and own things. Understanding is my main tool of discipline. Like my parents did with me and I am now doing with my own, when you build this framework of respect from the ground floor, from day one, it’s a positive and wholesome thing. It makes you a clan, it makes your pack strong.
“Because I said so” is an acceptable explanation to your child. I don’t play the card often because I love explaining things to my kids. But ultimately, the answer as to why your kid has to do what you just asked them to is merely the fact you did. It requires no further justification. This ties in heavily with the one above. Praxis. ;-) My father pulled that line on me a lot and it frustrated my over-analytical mind so much. But it was impenetrable. And decades later as a parent myself, now I understand why.
The most incredible advice I got as a young parent was how important it is to try and relish in the moments as you pass through the whirlwind, because it ends so quickly and you miss it so much. “I’d do anything for one more of those…”, I’ve heard some of the wisest minds I know say. It is crazy when they’re super little! It truly is a whirlwind. And heck, you’re trying to just make it through, much less take care of adult stuff or dare have a minute for yourself. It’s so easy to let the time blow by, for much to pass feeling like chores. But it’s not chores, it’s life's greatest magic! There is nothing more awesome and amazing in the human experience than a 2-3 year-old toddler. That magnificent movie will run for a very short time. Don’t miss any screenings.
I remember my precious babygirl when she was really little wanted to roleplay with figurines or cars or dinos or Peppa Pigs all day. I mean ALLLLL day! “Daddy, can you play?” she’d ask me so much, sometimes she’d ask while we were in mid-play. Lol There were obviously times I was spent, or distracted, or busy, or just tired from roleplaying Daddy Pig and George for the last two hours. It’s so easy for those moments to frustrate. It’s human nature. But that’s the thing they’d give anything for. ☝️ Empty-nest parents would legit pay thousands for just one hour with their child back at that age again asking them to play. Just think about that. Think how rich the lesson is inside of that dichotomy.
I was so fortunate to get this advice when I did. I applied it early on. And I was busy, I was running a new firm, I was a drinker, I had a lot going on. I would have missed so much if I hadn’t been cognizant of this. It would have been a different experience. Yeah, you are beat, and no, you don’t want to roleplay that the stegasaurus is sick for the 15th time in a row. But just think about what your kid's eyes see at that moment. What thoughts their head is filled with. Joy! Wonder! And they want to share it with you. At that moment, you are their Disneyworld. Relish those! Every single one of them. All you have to do is remember how much you’ll one day miss the same and... “Of course I’ll play again, sweetheart. Hachoo!”
Present. That is so key. If you’re there but not “there”, you might as well not be. It’s not about being at the tee-ball game. It’s about making eye contact when he looks up with pride after stopping that grounder. If you missed that, you would have been better off golfing.
A little quirk I’ve done is every night I say positive words to my kids as the last thing they hear when I tuck them. “You are such a great daughter. You make me proud.” Nothing more than that. But how many nights have those words bounced around their minds over the years and become seeds which shaped dreams? Lots. It’s the positive inversion of an adult traumatized from depravation of love and reinforcement in their upbringing. It is just as impactful.
Enjoy the ride! It’s the greatest one life has to offer.
Lovely post. We're trying right now to start our own family. Wish us luck!
Fantastic post! Heart-warming.