Breaking Bottles

Essay 4: Booze where it doesn't belong

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Essay 4: Booze where it doesn’t belong

There were a series of quotes that really shaped me in this journey. I talked about one above in Left-Hand Man. Another was a comment that my CBTherapist kind of made in passing one session. We would just sit and chat for the hour. There was a schedule to it all; he was good at what he does. But ultimately, the sessions felt very for me, and we’d have long and flowing conversations. He would usually have some sort of resource he would want to share. There was usually a lesson buried within each one; a theme almost that would present. In one of them, he remarked that once you quit drinking (he had been sober for decades), you “see alcohol in so many places where it doesn’t belong”. We were probably talking about the omnipresence of booze in our society and cultural institutions. This is a common theme of mine and something that hit me profoundly in this final and successful chapter of quitting. That notion of “where it doesn’t belong” was new to me though. I forget where he gave as his example, but it definitely had something to do with being around your family and children. What I remember so vividly is how this presented in profound fashion in my real-world just days later…

We have a very active community here in North Florida and it holds all kinds of events. It’s that presenting layer which reveals the wonderful living place below. We worked hard to get right where we are (once it felt completely out of reach), and in the insanity of COVID lockdowns we realized there is nowhere we’d rather be. One of the events they hold here every year is a Cookies with Santa. They have a jolly Saint Nick come and meet the kids and do family photos and then everyone who joins (see: pays) gets a custom cookie kit to whip up some yummy Christmas cookies of their wildest and sugariest desire. It’s a wonderful event and something we look forward to being part of every year. It takes place at the community clubhouse which is quite an extravagant building because I live in an HOA with thousands of doors. The dues x1000s add up to much nice stuff. There are a lot of adult events at said clubhouse too, so they are quite good at dishing out beverages and have all the liquid infrastructure in place. One of my favorite parts of this event for years was the way they took care of us adults at Santa’s Cookies too…

This was an early event. It had times to be there and started by 9. They would always have coffee and there would be mimosas next to it. As won’t surprise you if you’ve read these first three essays, I was often groggy-brained in the early morning hours. Sadly, this was the case even when I had children and was on Dad Duty. This is a Santa event, remember; not an event about me and getting loose. But I’d bang a quick mimosa (or two) and then eventually sashay my way over to the fancy Bloody Mary bar. They had that too; lots of good fixins and nice glasswear. I’d absolutely be making me a bloody - maybe two. This was always a college gameday and I was getting my engines primed. Plus, it felt festive! Again, I was enamored by that fancy bloody mary bar back in the day. The totality of this all isn’t the end of the world. Nobody drank all THAT much at this cookie gathering because there wasn’t that much to do adult-wise. But that’s kind of my point here. Shouldn’t we have been with the kids and the cookies full-time? At this event in particular, why was the vodka and champagne there at all? I’d feel differently if it had been an Easter brunch, or a Christmas gathering, or a golf outing, or a New Years party, or even just a community event. Something about the adults too. But this wasn’t any of those things. It was specifically and only a Santa thing for young kids. We’re maintaining a LARP about a fat man in a red suit and his flying reindeer, for heaven’s sakes. Can this venue not present without sauce??? It’s just weird to me… once I even understood it to be weird. I had never grasped this concept prior to doc stating it out loud. It really was a lens I’ve worn ever since. One that aided me a lot in getting what I do now view as a poison for myself entirely out of my life. I was ALWAYS the guy with those drinks at the times it didn’t belong. And I didn’t want to be anymore. Reminds me of the picture my kid drew, which will be its own essay in this series. Dagger!

I had another of these hit profoundly just last week. I had to run and get something on a Saturday evening and invited my daughter to join me. We stopped at a favorite Mexican place of mine to have dinner together. Just the two of us; it was wonderful! She’s 12 and these are the beginning pages of a new and exciting book we’ll write together. I was in such a happy little bliss I posted about it on X when she stepped away.

I also posted this shot…

Because I was lost in these same thoughts. One of my top drinking things was margaritas at Mexican joints. Oh, man!! Margaritas were my go-to; I am quite the connoisseur. I enjoyed the experience of that fast and flashy cocktail with its perfectly paired fare as much as any other. I didn’t go out to have Latin food without margs for many many years. And I loved it! Again, I’m not anti-alcohol. I haven’t grown to want to hold a cross up to it. I love seeing people out and about letting the edge off a bit and having fun with friends. Loosing your inhibitions, liquid courage, it’s all a thing. I still enjoy being around tequila bars and watching people crush all the yummy varieties with salt and sugar rims. It’s a beautiful drink! I view cocktails as culinary. And at this dinner with my little girl, I would have unquestionably had a few back then. Definitely one, and definitely not only one. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if I had three. We weren’t there long and those are 2-3 shot drinks when you order the good ones. Do the math. Why do I need to consume a half dozen+ shots while having tacos with my middle-schooler? Then I walk around CostCo as drunk dad. WTF It sounds so weird when you put it like that, right? But it wasn’t weird at all until I had this epiphany. No, it was very normal. And there are cascading repercussions, of course…

Back in that day, and on a Saturday for sure, I wasn’t walking into that Mexican joint on drink zero. I’m not shutting down after that tequila series either. Again, do the math. The imagery and presence around my girl, what does she see? By drink 3 (shot 8) and my voice is slurring, what does that do to her mind and world understanding? A childhood (lifetime) of this, what does that mold for your own generation below? No buenos, amigos. And that’s all just the moral and generational destruction analysis. What of the immediate impacts that can be even worse, such as DUI? It was just us and I wasn’t calling an Uber. No no, that girl became very accustomed to the idea of daddy driving after having his drinks. That’s one of the greatest horrors of all when I play them back. I should probably do a writing just around driving. It’s the part of this wicked American tradition that wrecks carnage on us all. There is something even worse than life-altering DUI and that’s called “vehicular manslaughter”. Happens in America every day. The penalties are truly life-altering, as they should be And as much as I’m ashamed to admit it, I rolled those dice often. I convinced myself of all these safe ways I did it. But nah, nothing about it was safe. Maybe I’ll title that essay “One-Eye Jack”. To think I was assuming that level of family-shattering risk on a weekly (at least) basis is chilling with the benefit of hindsight. Without the benefit of what brought the hindsight, I’d be doing it still today.

Once you understand this notion of “alcohol where it doesn’t belong”, you’ll see it everywhere. These are the things that weighed very heavily on me. They were the building blocks of how I got away.

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Essay 5: Some harsh advice