Thoughts from the chair

The yin-yang of parenting

I didn’t actually write this one from The Chair as I had the other two. But the spirit fits, for sure, and I couldn’t possibly write this piece without linking the below to set the framing. It is nothing more than a continuation of that same story. I just had such a profound moment I wanted to share! It’s the same wonderful story; same life energy and fire; same bittersweet parental pain.

My (not so)baby(anymore)girl is growing up so incredibly fast now! The other day my mom said something to her and she said back *flat low teen voice* “That sucks”. I looked over at moms and said “Our baby _____ with that adorable little voice now says “Thuuut suuuucks”. We both laughed, because we’ve both been teens and we both know that’s the same adorable little girl. She’s just lost that middle word. And has she ever! She has developed physically now. Bra shopping with mom; being naked around dad is now weird. The days of me having a little girl are fully over. I have a little son.

I had been contemplating these very thoughts because of an interaction we had as she was getting out of the bath. Oh how I used to love bath-time with my Baby _____! And oh how much she loved having Daddy at those baths with her. This was back in my boozing days, of course, I can vividly picture now how tricky it was for me to not be in that bathroom when Daddy’s Little Girl was playing in the tub. I had to lay thick excuses for any reason I was leaving. Lol me being next to her completed her puzzle. This is back when being next to naked-her wasn’t weird. As I detail in that piece, putting her to bed is very special to me. I thought I lost it for a while, then it came back out of the blue one night. I cherish that 5-10mins more than I have words to describe. I know that every time I sit there it could be the final time. That she still desires Daddy’s hand stroking her hair as she transitions from physical reality to her nightly mental playground makes my heart smile inside. These are the threads of the parenting quilt which also defy explanation. Energies that form and shape you so profoundly that you’re simply not the same person pre- and post-. But they’re ultimately just understandings and not physical transformations. That’s the most fascinating (and important) wrinkle to it all! (Cue the “Childless cat lady”-debate. A human being’s primary goal is reproduction. If this stopped being the case, humans as a species would cease existing. These topics are not for debate. They have been ordained to us by whatever your explanation is, even science.)

So with all of this in mind, shit you not, out of the blue tonight my daughter fires at me “Dad, I’ll just put myself to bed tonight if that’s ok”. We were wrapping up bath time and I think junior had brought it up or something. If you read my piece above, you know I feel that’s definitely ok (and soul crushing!!), and so I said “Of course, sweetie, you’re welcome to”. Later as I start heading up the stairs with the whole gang the usual “my turn (with Daddy ;-)”-battle starts to break out, when I remind my daughter that it was her night if she wanted; otherwise, no need for battle as I’m happy to sit with the son claiming false stake. She leans out from already halfway into her now-transforming bedroom with a face that looks much closer to the woman I will have made than the child I’ve already stared at and says exaggeratedly “Ehhh, I’m good!” and almost let’s her neck stretch like a cartoon and pull her head into her already-decided and bolting body. She had her iPad in her hand and was humming a song (maybe in her ear). I knew this wasn’t the right ingredients for a school nighttime and something else was kinda going on here… but I also could tell by the grin consuming her face and the sparkle in her eye that my soon to be teenage girl was having one of Those Moments (I’m going to her Honor Roll ceremony next week; she’s earned these moments). And as painful as they are to accept, I know that Those Moments are utterly essential to the development of my seeds and their ability to later thrive. We birthed them SO THEY WOULD go on to become adults who stand alone and don’t need us anymore. And OMG the realization of that when you actually see them in human form is nothing short of “devastating”. But it’s beautiful devastation, isn’t it? Of course. Same as how those grinding energies above that can hurt so bad are ultimately the most beautiful and powerful energies in all of life; which those who have been fortunate enough to feel them can’t help but spend the rest of their lives trying to share and describe to others. This is ultimately the wavelength we all ride on. The frequency all of life depends on.

So now let’s cut down on the bittnerness with the wonderful side of my yin-yang…

As quick as that rubber-neck disappeared with the sound of a closed door, I grabbed my cute-as-could-be six year old’s hand and we continued down to the left into his room. Yes, I was well aware at this moment how lucky I am for that. And oh yes, I’m well aware how much more this next round will hurt. So he and I do our usual thing. They went to Disney last weekend and never really recovered. I knew he was tired and didn’t offer a book and quickly got him under cover and me on The Chair. This would be a good place to inject these vibes…

In yet another of those “Stars aligning” moments that seem to be guiding everything in my life right now, my son after a few minutes of stillness and silence (which almost always means sleep) starts to apologize to me for something. It caught me off guard as I was already mentally pulled away (lost in these greater thoughts) and by the time I tuned in, I realized he was simply asking if it was ok for him to sit on the chair with me tonight. OMG! It’s been weeks since that went down. Winning! The apology framing was I guess because we had both discussed how this was an especially tired night and a good sleep was important. He has such a sweet heart and is so incredibly good-driven by nature. I explained that it is ALWAYS ok for him to sit next to Daddy and he doesn’t ever have to apologize. I have to think some of you might question whether I’m making this next part up; that I’m possibly just writing some form of short fiction here. But no, this played out exactly as I’m describing. He gets snuggled right next to me, right-hand side of chest under the blanket just as I wrote about above, we talk softly for a moment, I kiss his beautiful head, tell him how much I love him, he echoes the same (I’ve never met a boy who articulates more words of love to his own family than this child), and I just kind of hold him. I can smell it right now! I can feel it, sense it. I just smiled inside from ear to ear. These are those forging energies again. Yes they always forge; no, they aren’t based in negative. These were a Niagara Falls of joy at its purest! Not just joy but a sense of completion and satisfaction. Lol words are not up to this task. He fell asleep in that posture, right on my side, and began twitching and made a sound or two. Days of him there like part of me are rare and ending. Days of me needing to scoop up a sleeping child and place him in bed I thought were over. I treasured that drool spot on my shirt as I walked down.

After a bit (in this EXACT position), I realized significant time had passed and I promised my wife I’d help her with something. I know I don’t have many of these left (go read that piece above again!) and so I kind of had a moment with it all and let it ‘end’. I went to scoop him up like I have so many times before, but this time he awoke and said a bit startled “I’m ready to go back in my bed”. This is how he ends all “Can I sit on the chair with you, Daddy?”-times now, generally not lasting more than 2-3mins before he crawls back. He had already been in deep, deep sleep. Right on top of the sound of his father’s heartbeat. I let him crawl himself; remember, he wants to be a big boy now too. He passed out before I could even get the covers over him. I stared at him for no less than 5 minutes. I smiled inside. I almost cried. But this time, I didn’t let that bittersweet sadness enter the frame. No no, I was bottling this magic up just as it remained at that moment!

What an incredible dichotomy of the joys and the wonder, the magic and the love, the gains and the ‘loss’, the risk and challenge and even hurt of being a parent. Of raising your next generation of YOU. The greatest life Olympics! Unquestionably, our most important life trophies. I couldn’t believe how these bookends of the journey presented to me in a single instance. I’m telling you, I’m meant to be living through this all and transforming them into these thoughts I share. These thoughts WE ALL have been sharing and forming. This is The Culture War manifesting in real-world form. Everything I just wrote about above are thoughts I couldn’t have even contemplated just a decade ago. I didn’t understand them. Texts written in foreign print. Now so much of what I thought I understood, doesn’t make any sense at all. Everything has centered. Right here. Right to what lays next to The Chair.

I danced with my mother to this song at my wedding…